matthew

"Loving. Compassionate, respectful, honest and genuine. There’s a lot more words I could use to describe Herm, but those are my top 5."

When I wanted to reflect on the lessons and legacy my late father had left behind, I could think of nobody better than Matthew Pare to help me.

Matthew and my dad go back 30 years. That's a long time and a lot of history. But I'll let him tell you the rest.



“Herm and I met when I was 6 years old after my mother enrolled me in Uncles At Large. My mother and sisters and I [had] just moved from my grandparents [house in] British Columbia to the south side by Grant Trunk [in Edmonton].

"Herman taught me a lot about life and the essentials of living. There were many great memories I have with Herman, like the time we were fishing. I went to cast my rod and my hook was stuck in Herm’s hat. I yanked on my fishing rod and his hat flew into the lake and we had a great laugh. When he brought me to start playing hockey on Saturday nights with Ed [his brother] and the gang it helped me grow as a hockey player. Herman taught me how to drive and how to shoot guns. I remember when all the brothers would get together to build a deck or a garage. The love and compassion everyone showed each other was pretty amazing.”

Matthew is about 11 years older than me, and so I honestly didn’t see much of him growing up. Although he’s someone who has, inevitably, been apart of my life since the day I was born, I’ve never really had the opportunity to talk to him one on one. Now that's not anyone's fault, he was off working hard and building a life of his own, and I was a kid without a care in the world. This interview was my way to connect to him, and to find out who my dad was to him. I guess in a way I wanted to take this opportunity to get to know the first child my father ever had a hand in raising.

MG: What is the most important thing (or things) you would say you learnt from my dad?

MP: I would say respect and acceptance among many other valuable life skills I learnt from Herman.

MG: What about your relationship made it so important?

MP: He was the father I never had someone to look up to that I could talk too if needed. He always wanted the best for everyone he was a part of. I knew if I could be half the man Herm was [when I grew up] I would be well respected. That's why today I often get told how much I'm a stand up guy and respected. I owe that to your dad.

MG: If you could have one last day with him what would you do?

MP: If we had one last day together I wish it would be all of us together having a family barbecues with an afternoon slow-pitch game with all the brother and wives and nieces and nephews. Those family get together showed me how important family is.

MG: What things do you hope he knows, from your time together?

MP: How much I appreciated and loved Herman for everything he did for me and taught me so I would understand life in the future. The great memories that I will hang on to for life and one day be able to share with my children.

http://www.unclesatlarge.ab.ca/

I was curious to know more about mentorship programs, like Uncles at Large, and how they impacted the lives of the kids who were in them. I asked Matt about his own experience with the program.

"For myself having this program in my life helped me in all aspects of my life. Without Herman as a role model I'm not sure where I would be or how I would of grown up. I remember [the joy and happiness] on all the children's faces when they would throw the Uncles at Large Christmas parties. I feel programs like UaL and Big Brother and Sisters are a great influence in children's lives [who] don't have a role model to teach them the essentials of life. For myself, my mom was a single parent who worked full time plus raised 3 children all by herself. So enrolling me in UaL was the best thing she did for me as for having a role model like Herman."

I was raised by both of my parents, and have always been grateful for the love and support they gave me growing up. I never needed programs like Uncles at Large, but because of Matt, I now understand the value of them just a little bit better. Being a part of this organization was such a huge part of my dads life for so long, and I hope to one day join as well.

Matthew is a dad himself now. He has twins who are 9, and a son who just turned 2. I remember the first time I got to meet Matt’s twins, when they were a few months old. It was around Easter when I was 10 and my mom bought stuffed rabbits for the babies. Our whole family stayed to visit for a few hours while the babies napped, and I remember telling my mom how cute I thought they were on the drive home.

It will be a long time before I have kids of my own, and my dad will never get to meet them, but I have no doubt the ways he parented my brother and I will impact the way I will raise my own children. I wanted to know what about my dad impacted Matt's ideas about parenthood.

MG: Have your ideas about what family is, or should be changed since becoming a dad yourself?

MP: I know that no matter what my family comes first. I always guide my children to strive for their best and cheer them on respectfully. I believe that a child should never feel like they aren't loved by any parent. That’s why I make sure my children feel my love for them and know I'm always there for them.

MG: What lessons that you learnt from him do you hope to pass onto your own kids?

MP: Just like Herman taught me, I'm raising my children to be respectful of others and to show compassion. Not to judge people but how to accept them for who they are.

When my dad was in the hospital, I saw Matt as much as I saw my own family. Whenever he wasn’t working he was there, visiting my dad, or taking my brother to hockey (and if you know anything about how much time hockey take up, you know what a huge favor that is). I saw the admiration in his eyes, every time he would look at my dad. The kind of look that couldn’t be anything other than pure, unadulterated respect and companionship. The type of companionship that was built over 30 years of hockey games and drinking beer over a campfire.

It's always fascinated me to learn about people I know and love through the eyes of someone else. There's always a fresh perspective or tiny details about their personality I would have never noticed on my own. I'm so glad to have been able to take this opportunity to get to know someone who loved and respected my dad so much, so thank you to Matthew for taking the time to answer my questions, but even more so, for loving my dad as much as you do.

And finally, thank you to my dad, for being an incredible human, whose deep and fearless love is in no way limited to just Matthew and me. You were and will always continue to be my hero, and I miss you every day.

Madisen Gee

Before you go! Programs like Uncles & Aunts at Large and Boys & Girls Club continue to do incredible work with children. Check out their websites for more information if you or someone you know is interested in supporting kids like Matthew.

(This interview has been edited for length and clarity.)